Never work today. Was on leave. Went to see the doctor today. I told the doctor that i was having serious moodswing and my appetite had changed. I really dont know what is happening. And My period is really very very irregular. After all the test. I got a conclusion from the doctor. I really am very down. Don't Wish to carry on anymore. What am i supposed to do. I dont know how. I am trying to shut mu\yself down. Dont wish to get involved in anything. I delete jass no and photo and boy too. the only friend i got now is wen. I am thinking of not using MSN anymore. And stop everything. Not using yahoo anymore. Since i won't be using it soon. Might as well let it close down.

Everything just seems so wrong. After striking the lottery, everything seems so wrong. What is happening. What will happen to me.........I had save up over a few thousands of savings. I dont know whether it will be enough for thr funeral. I know that i wont have any by the downstair, but even a simple coffin and burning sesions costs a lot. I really dont know whether it is enough. I did all i can to save that amount of money.

Please hate me everyone. So that no one will cry on my death day. Please. I am totally moodless now. I still have so many things i have not done yet. I wil surely regret. Totally regret this life. What have i done to deserve this. Totally not smooth life i got. Always been bullied. And now i have to suffer more, and a very short life span. Y dont god just end my misery now. Just take my life away this minute. Really very miserable. I realy hate the doctor a lot. Y dont they have good news for me. I hate them.

I am a very lonely person. a very stupid and whom people detest. Very slow in thinking. No wonder i dont deserve to live in this world and make everyone miserable. This is the right choice. I should disappear this moment and dont cause any disturbance to anyone.

I believe i will surely go to hell and suffer. I am not a gd person. No wonder i am ..............

i am such a fucking idiot.

LET ME DIE

Yesterday 23 sept 2006. Is wen birthday. Meet her at tampines. Then 1st stop is ktv at Suntec. But before that we had breeks for lunch. Then we sang for about 4 hrs. Then after that took a cab to Pasir ris Fisherman. Then there is the bad news. The reef seems to had close down.. We had no choice but to head for the restaurant beside it. Wen had chicken chop for dinner. Ting had seafood spaghetti. And i had fish & chip. They say that their food was not nice. Mine was still ok. Then we were there sitting for quite some time. Thinking of where to go. Wen could not make a decision. Then in the end we headed for movies at plaza singapura. The show is at 1.20am. Before that we still hav some time to pass by. Then ting received a call from shan. hey are on their way to the Tanglin shopping cenre. It is a ktv pub. We took a cab and headed down. I actually don't like it there. And we had beer. Which i don't like. I thought there will be other drinks. And after that we left. On the way back on the cab. I feel like vomitting. I can't seems to concentrate. But just stare blankly. Feel like vomitting. But nothing comes out. Then after movies all headed home. I went to ting place. Cos she is not feeling well. Don't know what is the reason that trigger. So no choice. Accompany her back as her place there is not safe in the night. And dhan is still not home yet. So no choice.

Slp till 12++ then can't get to slp. Then watch tv for a while till 1++ then went back home. They are still sleeping. And i had to come back and clean up my room. And i am really tired. I wan a gd rest. After cleaning up. I slp til 7pm.

Hope wen enjoy herself yesterday. But her face shows that she is not so happy leh. Becos of the reef. If not everything will be as planned. Aiya. also no choice. but hope that she had enjoyed

Have to visit the doctor this thur. See whats my condition now. He is surely going to nag at me again le....... Nag & Nag................ Fainting soon...............

I wil stop here

Ni Pen down

Today at work very tired. don't know y. Then ate quite a lot today. reakfast eat noodles. then lunch eat ice-cream. then teabreak eat curry puff. then go home eat dinner. Oh my god. I am so full. Then after that meet up ting go tampines buy comics. I also got buy 1 set. I buy the er mo zai shen bian. Also don't know nice a not. haha.......

I broke up with him on18 sept 2006. we were togther for 5 mths and 15 days only. We quarrel a lot. and what he had promised me, he did not do it. I am very disappointed. I wanted a peaceful break up. But in the end. His words really make me disappointed and angry. He deny all my effort and claims that i don't love him at all. I had waste 5 mths time on him. A total waste. He always is jealous of gary but he didnt say out. And i did xplain to him that he and i is impossible. He always wan to compare with him. But the truth is love cannot be compared. it just shows that he is inmature. He always ask me to say out what i am thinking and yet he himself kept everything to himself. That is such a big strain on our relationship. But everything is over.

Wen birthday is this sat. Goign out for celebration. May everything go smoothly and everybody especially her will enjoy that day. and smile all the way home.

I will stop here

Ni pen down

Yesterday Fri morning very tired at office. Very shack, don't know why leh. Then during breakfast went to Ubi to eat. Shan and i saw the pink cigarette which we had betted on and i lose the bet to her. So i bought the cigarette. I think is something like SKL. It is strawberry flavour. Oh My God. Shan jio Simon out to smoke. And sion lighted 1st. He had a very weird expressions. haha.... Shan and i fell that the cigarette is the very very not nice loh. so we got no choice but to distribute it away. Shan gave to store. haha. but in the end stil left a lot.

Wed meet up with wen after my work. We went to hve dinner at tampines 201. Very long nv eat there liao. We had western food. Yummy. But after eating, i feel like vomitting. Don't know why. Then we walk slowly to one of the void deck. and chat. She ask me about boy thing. And we chat about that. I am still considering about the decision. But i feel that i may give up ba. I really feel very tired and i feel that we really don't suit each other.

I don't even like to talk to him now. I avoid him and i get frustrated when he called me. I will always find all sorts of reasons to reject his calls. I believe he know. But i feel thta he is spying me at my blk downstair. He seems to know when i reach home. and immediately after a while he would call me. And i am angry is, i told him so many times that we are having a cool down period and i need to reconsider. and hope that he can dont call me. And he say ok, but still call me andwan to chat with me. I am damn angry. And just told him straight that we are at a cooling period and i dont wish to talk to him. I know that u all may feel that i am very bad. But i got no choice.

disappointment is a very common feeling i always get. Is my expections always to high. I actually feel that it is very normal expectations. and y do i still get that feelings. I hate that feeling. If u can't do it then don't tell me u can. or promise me anything. But i actually don't care much le la. If people really cherish me they will not do this kind of things to me. If they don't cherish me, then i wont't give a damn to them.

i will stop here

Ni pen down

Till now still coughing man. Today so forgetful. i forget to bring my sweater. so damn cold here siah. yesterday bought the sweater home. This friday got kick boxing classes le. shan and i sign up for the courses....... total of 10 lessons. after work. haha..... Don't know will be fun a not. Heart so pain just now. Vomit blood man

Yesterday was so demorale. don't wan to say already. all is over le. I really see through everything le. Still considering whether to continue the relationship. Very confused. But i have a very negative thinking. i feel that we should not continue. We don't really suit each other. And the love is not so strong as the other guy.... I still miss him. and he still stand a very important place in my heart. But too bad, he already got a very close gf liao.

I think i also don't have much time left. so Wanna finish my unfinished business as soon as possible. Still need to save up for the funeral thing. Don't wan to burden my family members. What is friend??? nowadays friend is reliable??? Are they really sincere in being friend with me or just using me. I really don't know.... Sometime they give me a feeling that they are using me. I don't wish to think too much liao. If they wan to do that, i can only say that they will get their retribution back. I cherish very one around me. But now, i only got a few who i really cherish alot. which include my family members.

I totally hate doctors. they really can do nothing at all and yet they charge so high. So sickening man. Don't wish to go and see them. Feel like kicking them.

Please don't treat me like a fool

i will stop here

Ni pen down